If he just dumped you for someone else, you are probably asking yourself why he chose her over you. Here are some ways you can get over it and move on.
If you’re left asking why he chose her over you, it is one of the crappiest feelings in the world. You’re not alone. A lot of women have been there.
It not only feels like a punch to the gut off the bat, but once you sit with the reality for a while it is worse than a regular rejection or breakup. It makes you question yourself. You compare yourself to the other girl.
It also manifests a divide between you and another girl that isn’t very feminist which then makes you feel guilty at the same time.
Wondering why he chose her over you can take over your mind. It can stop you from moving on, living your life, and bringing self-doubt into future relationships. With that, it is obvious you want an answer to why he chose her over you.
Why does being dropped hurt so much?
Before we get into why he chose her over you, let’s delve into why it hurts so much. This isn’t a normal breakup pain. It comes with so many more questions.
You cared about him, you may have even loved him, and that makes you care what he thinks, even now.
You want those you care about to care about you too. Your feelings don’t just go away because his did. And if he chose someone over you, it feels like you weren’t enough. It not only feels like you failed him but that you failed yourself.
Being left for another woman sucks so much because women have been pitted against each other in society for years. We are conditioned to be mad or upset at the other girl rather than the guy.
We swallow up the feelings, whether rage, sadness, or pain, about him and focus on the other woman. Because we can’t be upset with him, we still care about him which makes it all hurt so much more.
Think about The Bachelor. The girls are constantly fighting each other instead of questioning the lead about his behavior or choices which would make a whole lot more sense. Instead of comparing yourself to the girl that is your opposite, that he clearly has a connection with, asking him what he really wants would make more sense.
But it is part of our nature to blame ourselves for a failed relationship.
And with the way social media works, we can now compare ourselves quite literally to the woman he chose. You can look at her photos and can see what her ex looked like. Or, you can see how she looks in a bathing suit or how not awkward she was as a teenager.
You can mock her or feel intimidated by her. All of this feeds your insecurities and makes you feel worse about yourself. Can you imagine? All this pain and self-doubt because he chose her over you?
Why did he choose her over you?
We would love to tell you that answering this question is as simple as asking him, but most guys aren’t considerate enough to grace us with an answer. Not that his answer would really mean much.
If you could ask your ex why he chose her over you, what do you think he would say? Would he say she is hotter? Would he say she is easier to deal with or that she is more fun?
Or would he say you came up too short? Would he say the worst thing you’re thinking about yourself? Probably, almost certainly, no.
To be honest, most guys don’t even see the things we second-guess about ourselves. We can assure you he didn’t pick her over you because your nose has a dent or your boobs aren’t the same size. It wasn’t because you aren’t tan enough or thin enough or curvy enough.
It wasn’t because you aren’t confident enough or agreeable enough or easy enough.
As much as we compare and wonder and worry and stress over all of these things and more, he did not choose her over you for any describable reason.
When someone leaves you for another woman, it is purely preference and feelings, at least for any somewhat decent guy. You will never hear a guy worth being with say he left his girl to be with someone that had bigger boobs. It just isn’t going to happen.
Think of the show, The Bachelor again for a minute. When he has two women at the end and is struggling to choose, he isn’t mentioning that one is tall and one is short. He is talking about your future, whose lifestyle lines up with his, and who he has that indescribable feeling with.
They almost always say they just knew. And that is the thing. It probably won’t give you peace of mind. It won’t give you something to fix or focus on or pick apart about your body or personality, but that’s the way it is.
Just because he had that feeling with someone else and not with you does not make you any less amazing. It doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It just means you weren’t for him and that is okay.
Think about it like pink hair. It is cool. You may not personally like it or ever even consider it, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it for someone else. Just because he didn’t pick you doesn’t mean you aren’t awesome and the right match for someone else.
How to get over why he chose her over you
This answer probably didn’t offer much help. Yes, it sucks to not have a clear-cut and concise answer to something like this. Seriously, a lot of people have been there.
The good news, is they get over it, and so will you. It won’t be an overnight healing process. It’s difficult to come to terms that the guy you are in love with picked someone over you.
Here are some things you can do to get over him and move on.
You have to do a lot of self-reflecting and distance yourself from the feelings you still have for him. Ask yourself questions about why you think he is so great.
Genuinely look at both his and your behavior in the relationship. Then, look at the situation with a fresh set of eyes and a new perspective. The relationship might not have been as good as you think it was.
2. Don’t take it personally
As we stated above, it’s not about you. She is not “better” than you. People break up all the time and then go on to someone new. So, this is nothing that most people don’t go through on a daily basis. You aren’t the only one who’s been “rejected.”
3. Remember his bad qualities
This might sound a little strange, but when you are missing your ex, the reason you are is that you are remembering all the good things about him.
But guess what? He must have had some bad qualities too. The first bad quality is that he dumped you, right? So, instead of focusing on the good things, focus on what you didn’t like about him.
4. Focus on your good qualities
On the flip side, focus on what you love about yourself. You are probably pretty, kind, funny, selfless, and the list goes on.
Don’t keep looking for the things you think he didn’t like about you. If he was so blind as to not notice how awesome you are, then it’s his loss!
5. Get healthy
Whether you’re already skinny or if you have a few pounds to lose, it always helps to get healthy after a breakup. Start eating better or lose some weight if you want to.
Go to the gym and put your health first. And after a while, you will look in the mirror and see how much he is missing out on.
6. Go out with friends
Good friends will stick with us during good times and bad times. After all, that’s what they’re for, right? So, stay busy and go out with friends. Do lunch, go to the movies, go dancing, and just try to stay as distracted with your friends as you possibly can.
7. Pamper yourself
You deserve to be taken care of. It’s not easy going through a breakup, so you should take some much-needed me-time.
Get a massage, try a new hairstyle, and do anything that will make you feel calm and happy again.
8. Don’t overindulge
You might want to sit on your couch with a gallon of ice cream, a bottle of wine, and your favorite Netflix show.
But if you overindulge in anything, you might think twice about doing it again. Overindulging in alcohol, food, or anything else won’t help you get over it. It just masks the pain temporarily.
9. Go no contact
Sure, you want to talk to him. You want answers about why he chose her over you. But keeping in contact with him will only make you feel worse, even if you think it will make you feel better. So, just go no contact regardless of how difficult it is.
10. Put away the reminders
When you’re in a relationship, we tend to put pictures out in our homes and on our phones. You might even wear his favorite t-shirt to bed.
But put those things away. Having them around you will only remind you that he’s not there too.
11. Don’t stalk him/her on social media
Everyone stalks people on social media. But you really need to resist the temptation to stalk him and her in cyberspace. Your curiosity might try to get the best of you, but do you really want to know? Of course, you don’t. So, don’t torture yourself by following their every move.
12. Don’t “revenge post” anything
In a similar vein, don’t go posting passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive revenge posts on social media.
It won’t make him feel guilty, and it will only make you look bad. You don’t want to publicly humiliate yourself, so save your negative feelings about him for yourself and your friends and family – not the whole world.
13. Talk to family or a therapist
If you are really having a particularly difficult time moving on, then it would be wise to talk to someone about it.
See a therapist if you can afford it because that would be a great thing to do. If you can’t, then talk to family members who are older and wiser and can help you put the breakup into perspective.
14. Start dating again
As they say, “when you fall off the horse, just get right back up again!” In other words, get back out there in the dating world. It’s a lot easier to get over him when you have the attention of another guy – or even guys.
It will help you get distracted and ultimately find the RIGHT man for you. One who appreciates you and won’t let you go.
He chose her, so why are you still pining over him?
Eventually, you will realize that you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you, no matter what their reason was. You could waste so much time wondering if she was a better kisser than you or was funnier than you. What did she do that you didn’t?
But the thing is, it wasn’t about her. And it is not really about you either.
A relationship needs to be a two-way street. If he doesn’t want you because he chose her or for any other reason you are definitely better off without him.
Fighting practically and rationality with pain, betrayal, and self-doubt isn’t easy, but over time you will realize you are better off with someone that picks you first whether that is a better guy or yourself.
Hopefully, you will stop asking yourself why he chose her over you. Instead, ask yourself what you will now choose over him.